After writing my blog post, entitled Struggling, last week; I was in a deep dark place. I had no idea how to change my life, how to start walking with the Lord...I was just confused. I recently just got out of a crazy relationship, and things are just hectic. With all of that said, Sunday I decided (like every other Sunday) to go to church. I got up, got ready, felt very pretty, and was on my way. Now, for those of you who don't know me; I grew up in a separated teen parent home...going to church every other week with my single-teen-father who was searching for "something more." So, at about 4, I was saved, and Jesus became my friend. For the past year or so...I have been attending church; not wanting to be there, yet I knew I needed to be. It wasn't until this specific Sunday that I had prayed so hard for the Lord to speak to me, to change me, and to really open my heart and clear all distractions. It was in that sermon that I realized God is holy, I am not. God is an awesome God, and so often I feel as though in my human selfishness, I try to take pride in my being and in my accomplishments. Quite frankly, without Him, I would be nothing. My accomplishments would not exist. In this sermon, my pastor was unraveling Psalm 99, telling us about the characteristics of our God. In verses 1-3, God's sovereignty is being discussed. In verses 4-5, we are learning about his character. In verses 6-9, we learn about God's faithfulness. 1. God is unique. Well, that's pretty vague. He is perfect, unlike His creation. 2. He is ethically pure. God cannot even approach sin. He is morally excellent. When Christ was on the cross, he had to turn his back because he could not even bear to see the sin of this world. 3. He is devoted to His glory. And we should be too. Our God is not dead, He is alive. It's during sermons and moments like these when I realize God is holy. He IS full of grace, He IS merciful, He IS faithful. What a blessing to be able to serve someone like Him!!! Now, it's also in moments like these when many people question if God is so loving, why does he allow bad things to happen on this earth? Now, I don't know the exact reason, ask Him when you get there. The reason bad things happen is because we live a life apart from God. No matter what happens, God IS IN CONTROL. If you don't think God is in full control and has a plan for your life, He does. Exalt the name of God with your life. Every knee shall bow, every tongue shall confess, that He is holy.
It's in moments like these where I realize how blessed I am to be able to serve such an amazing God. He loves me. He always will love me. No matter how wicked this earth may get, He is in control. He has a plan for my life. So thankful for a God who loves me and allows me to serve Him. I am so lucky. Back to my struggling last week...it was all part of God's perfect plan for my life.
I have recently created a new blog, with a new address, and have decided to introduce myself. Enjoy.
Ah, where to start. For personal reasons, I would
like to stay anonymous. If you'd like to have a private conversation
with me, I will definitely introduce myself, give you a background, etc.
But for now, this is the internet, and I want to keep things personal
things private. I have been a blogger before, mainly for my own use.
Venting, my love of writing, that sort of thing. Writing has become
something I love, but nothing I could ever see myself pursuing as a
career. As a young one living on this crazy planet we
call home, things often get difficult. I feel as though everything is a
challenge. Working, taking care of ourselves, earning an income...paying
the bills. The stress just never ends... I don't even
know where to start, or where to begin. It seems as though all day long I
have so many thoughts to throw out there, but when I get down to
blogging...I don't know what to write. Sometimes, I pour my heart out.
And that's the only way I know how to vent, or get things out there.
This may get very personal, and if you're not interested...please just
continue with your day. I just want to throw a few things out there.
This is my blog. I have had problems in the past with people saying that the way I was describing my feelings was offensive.
Well guess what? Everything offends someone. This is my blog, and this
is the only tool I have to open up and let go of everything. With that
said, I don't purposely want to offend you. If I do, I am sorry. On a
second note, if I know you in person, and you read this blog, and I see
you on a daily/weekly/whatever basis, please don't bring any of this up
to me. I write it on here to let it out and feel like someone is
listening. With that said, I don't want to talk about it. And I don't
want to hear about it. Everyone has their good days and their bad,
please respect my feelings. With that said, things
started going down hill for me when I became a teenager. I have been
confused on life. Growing up is hard, and I do not want to move out or
become an adult. I recently got a job and I will tell you that has been
quite the adjustment. So, I have been confused on my faith and how some
people have the greatest walk with God and how people like me seem to
struggle so much. Right now, I am reading my Bible and doing
devotions...it's just like how do I change. I'm trying so hard. It's
just so frustrating. I've been fighting with family, my
mom isn't home, I'm exhausted, I'm alone...my step dad is at his
friends...it's just like, why? I feel like because I'm getting older, I
don't mean as much as the little ones. And yes, I can take care of
myself...it's just really sad...and oh so hurtful. I miss my mom...and I
wish we were closer than we are. Death scares me...and I don't want to
regret not being closer with her. On a second note, I
have young siblings. And I have yelled so much today. I just feel so
bad. I'm tired, and I'm stressed. But then they cry, and I feel so bad. I
just wish I could be nicer. And less stressed. I feel like I am so
mean, and have been so mean to them. Tonight, I am just rambling. And my writing is so unorganized. But
to those who have listened...thank you for being there
